SYMPATHY INTERNS

 

tamiko
1999

working 3 days a week inbetween her big-time lingerie modeling gigs tami drank green tea all day and made peculiar/annoying sounds as she took each sip... she also hummed and whistled "i feel pretty" constantly until she literally drove me fucking out of my mind !! one day when she forgot to take out the trash i turned her into the immigration office as a potential spy and fortunately she was deported soon after...

 

suki sue
1997-98

named after an ancient steppenwolf song suki was one of the most helpful interns we ever had... although many members of the sympathy staff insisted she was constantly taking amphetamines i never really noticed... she was the fastest file clerk to ever grace our offices and it wasn't till about six months after she was abducted by scientologists on hollywood boulevard that i finally realized that she screwed up everything immensely...

 

kyoko
2001

very tall and often prone to wearing provacative outfits kyoko claimed to be a distant cousin of lucy liu even though we discovered she was actually born in west covina... she loved the cats around the office and often brought them little mice that she made at home out of tuna... she was helpful in the radio promotions department but had a short temper and cursed vehemently when met with resistance from stations that refused to cooperate with her requests... one day we just told the security guards to revoke her employee badge and forbid her entrance...

 

sumi
2003

helping (thats a relative term) on tour press for less than 3 weeks sumi was responsible for dealing with all the schlebs and dweebs from clubs, and college newspapers... she was um, uh a bit on the incompetent side to say the least and was really never of much use at all... we only kept her as long as we did because she used to bring in dozens of donuts from her parents shop every single morning (i was on a big chocolate buttermilk donut kick at the time)... when we got tired of the donuts our patience for her ineptness wore thin so we told her that her co-worker was rumored to have leprosy and she quickly exited stage right...

 

leiko
1999

ever hear the term "marching to the beat of a different drummer" that describes leiko perfectly... she helped us with data entry for about 5 months and although she was bright and helpful it eventually became apparent that she spent most of her time looking at porn on the internet... she'd break out in a manic giggle with her high-pitched voice several times an hour which began to irritate me immensely... when we put a porn block on her computer she was furious and eventually left to become a suicide girl and actually went to work for their website...

 

masumi
2001

lead singer for sympathy faves the banana erectors, may worked for 5 months while she was in some sort of exchange program at long beach state... she was a conscientious worker until one day she was attacked outside the nerve center by a pack of rabid chihuahuas which scared the holy shit out of her... she caught the next plane home to yamaguchi a few hours after they released her from the hospital...the faded blood stains are still visable on the sidewalk from that fateful day... we miss her...

 

dolly
2000-01

working in the legal department for over a year dolly is the one that discovered mr airplane man and was instrumental in drafting and eventually securing a contract with them... because of this we all thought she was quite brilliant and had impeccable taste, that was until the day she was discovered listening to the foo fighters on her headphones at which point she was severely mocked and belittled and was immediately evicted from the building forever...

 

akiko
1998-99

cheery and sweet to the extent of being annoying akiko simply tried too hard to please... the other interns accused her of major ass-kissing and even of performing sexual favours, but to my knowledge that never occurred... because of the tension she caused it was painfully apparent that she had to go... a little slow getting the message she was no longer wanted we eventually told her she either leave or we'd have her arrested for embezzling office supplies... she finally left and did infact steal a rolodex on her way out...



SYMPATHY FOR THE RECORD INDUSTRY
"gone today, gone tomorrow"